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Opening comments

Thank you [---], I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.

If that’s the level of applause I can expect, I might as well sit down again.--

Hello everybody.---
The ------’s speech;---This is one of the few occasions in a [married] man’s life, when he
is allowed to do all of the talking,---so please forgive me for making the most of it.---

I don’t intend to speak for very long though;--Because of my throat.—
If I go on for too long, [---] has threatened to cut it.-

As Henry VIII said to all of his wives;-I will not keep you very long.

In preparing for this speech I was advised that it should last as long as it takes to make love;
---Thank you very much [sit down].

For those of you that don’t know me personally, my name is [---];
A complete novice at public speaking, and with a burning desire to prove it to you today.---

Cooking.

She isn’t a very good cook. Last night when she was cooking dinner, she burnt the can-opener.

[---] as most of you will know, likes to dress to kill.----Unfortunately she cooks the same way.----

Her cooking isn’t so much Cordon Bleu as Cordon Noir.

She joined Gourmet magazine, but a few months later they tried to buy back her subscription.

She uses the smoke alarm as the timer.---I don’t know how she did it, but last time she cooked a meal, she burnt the tin opener.---

She said to me the other day, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news;-First of all I’ve burnt your dinner.”---
I said to her,---“What is the bad news?”

The pizza was burnt on the outside but still frozen on the inside.—
If it wasn’t for the fact it looked to be in one piece;---I would have sworn she had cooked the two halves separately.---

[---] also likes to think of himself as a bit of a cook and believed that by adding a few herbs, spices or fancy things from the Jamie Oliver cookbook, it would turn him into Gordon Ramsey.---This was rarely successful and culminated in a phone call one evening, when Gourmet magazine tried to buy back his subscription.—

Spending.

Not many of you will know this but Susan is actually the holder of a Black belt.---Unfortunately it’s in shopping.---

She is so successful at shopping;--Only recently Marks and Spencer applied for planning permission;-To open a branch in our living room.

I suppose I can’t be too critical; Spending money is her only extravagance.—

She says she has nothing to wear, but her wardrobes are packed that tight;-There are moths in there that haven’t learned to fly yet.

She has three wardrobes full of nothing to wear.----

She buys everything which is marked down.----Yesterday she came home with an escalator.---

Not many of you will know this but [---] recently had plastic surgery.—They cut her credit cards in half.---

[---] is a firm believer in the saying, ‘Money can’t buy you happiness;’-That is why we have credit-cards.—

He nearly lost control of his car the other day;---He forgot to make a payment.---

They call [---] the Pelican at the bank;---Everywhere he turns he always has a big bill in front of him.----

[---] has spent a fortune over the years, some on women, some on drink and the rest he spent foolishly.

He is so used to paying by credit card, on one of the rare occasions when he pays cash, he signs the notes.---

I feel I have to be gentler with [Bride] than I did [Groom].
The only thing I would like to expand on is a major fetish that she has. This usually involves leather, but has also been known to include PVC.---
Before you start to make judgements, her fetish is handbag collecting;--
[---] can’t stop buying them.---They are packed so tightly in the wardrobe, there are moths in there that haven’t learned to fly yet.---

Meanness.

At the bar [---] is always the first to put his hand in his pocket;----and the last to bring it out again.---

He only drinks on special occasions;---like when somebody else is buying.

I wouldn’t like to give you all the impression though that [---] is tight, because there are times when he throws his money around;----Like an anchor.---

[---] used to be very famous, for being tighter than a wetsuit.--

[---] would never part with his money easily. He once found a box of Elastoplasts, then cut his finger so he could use them.—

Scotsmen and Kilts [No Offence meant, Dad was half Scottish, so I guess I am a ¼ Scottish].

There was the Scotsman who only bought one spur for his horse; because he figured that wherever one side of the horse went, the other would follow.

I knew I was at a Scottish wedding;--The confetti was on elastic.—
Rumour has it that the Grand Canyon was dug by a Scotsman who had dropped a penny.

He has washed his Kilt and can’t do a fling with it.
I would just like to assure you that nothing is worn under this Kilt;---
It’s all in perfect working order.----

Today sees the finest gathering of Kilts since Bannock Burn.
[--] is actually wearing an English Kilt; the difference is, it has provision for a wallet.

While on the subject of Wales and Scotland, I would just like to clarify the difference between the Welsh kilts which we are wearing, and Scottish kilts.--The Welsh ones, have a pocket for a wallet.---

Not many of you will be aware that the Welsh had a kilt. This may surprise you now.-- I am sure you will all have seen the film ‘Braveheart‘- I have actually heard from a reliable source that William Wallace, was actually a Welshman and that Rob Roy was from Llandudno.---
If you believe that, you will believe anything.--

Figures, Tall, Fat and Thin.

[---] is actually the correct body weight, it’s his height that’s wrong.---
He should be eight foot six.----

He’s too fat to play Golf any more. If he puts the ball where he can see it, he can’t hit it.---If he puts the ball where he can hit it; he can’t see it.---
I think it’s time for [---] to go on a diet. He’s had to mount his full length mirror, sideways.---
I’ve known [--] for a long time now;--Since he was just 15 stone.—

I am sure you will all have heard the expression, ‘You are what you eat.’
Bearing that in mind, the mind boggles about [--]’s diet.

I wouldn’t say [---] is thin;-But he never walks over a cattle grid.---

When he was small, [--] was overweight,--not that I ever mentioned it of course.--There was a time when it was impossible to get [--] and the water, in the bath, at the same time.----Fortunately as he grew up, he became a more normal size.

Too much chocolate isn’t good for you, but unfortunately [--] thinks that a well balanced diet means; a bar of chocolate in each hand.---

He could easily be twenty stone, but fortunately he doesn’t eat between snacks.---

There was once a time when [---] was worried about getting too tall; but he managed to control it by joining ‘Height Watchers.’—

You might not believe this but # was once 6 feet 2.---He joined ‘Height Watchers’ and in 1999 was their shrinker of the year.---

He’s so short, he’s the only man I know who has turn-ups on his boxer shorts.---

He’s so short; he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.

He went to the tailor to see about his wedding suit and said, “I would like to see some suits which will fit me”.—The tailor said, “So would I sir; So would I.”---

Baldness.

Apparently when his hair started to drop out, he went to the Doctors for something to help keep it in.---The Doctor said, “What about a shoe box?”---

Apparently you can judge a man by his baldness. If he is bald in the front, he is a great thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is great lover.---If he is bald at the front and the back,--he just thinks he is a great lover.—

He assures me his bald patch is really, a solar panel for a sex-machine.

Apparently [---] is trying a new cure for baldness.---It doesn’t grow any hair, it just shrinks your head to fit what you have got.---
Personally I don’t think he is bald, I think he is too tall for his hair.---

At school he was voted, ‘Most likely to recede.’---

Gambling-Horses.

He gave me the name of a horse that he said would walk it. It did;--Unfortunately the other horses were running.---

He backed a horse at twenty to one. Unfortunately it came in at twenty past four.----

The cert tip he gave me for this year’s Grand National; is still running.

He has taught me how to leave a Casino, with a small fortune.
We go in with a large one.

# occasionally gives money to the worthy cause of sick animals. However, he didn’t realise they were sick until he backed them.---

Expectant Bride [Please tread carefully].

As most of you will already know [---] is expecting in about four months time.
I know it isn’t true in [---] and [---]’s case but most people believe, “Will you marry me?” to be the most popular form of proposal. Unfortunately the most popular nowadays is; “You are what?”

As most of you will already know [---] is expecting in about four months time. Most of you will have probably heard her Father say during [--]’s vows;---“He does.”—

As most of you will already know, [---] is expecting in about four months time. Obviously the words following the service, “You may now kiss the bride,” were given a few months too late.—

I would like to thank [---] and [---] for inviting us to this swell wedding.---

Television.

[---] nearly didn’t make it to the wedding today, because of a minor operation; To have the TV remote control removed from his hand.

His TV is on for so many hours; he has to use oven gloves to change the channels.

He watches so much TV; he is going into hospital after the honeymoon to have his eyeballs retuned.

Military.

Not many of you will know this but [---] was actually decorated for saving the lives of the entire regiment;---He shot the cook.---

[----] comes from an old military family, his great grandfather fell at Waterloo. Somebody pushed him off platform nine.

[---] comes from an old RAF family, his grandfather actually fought with Douglas Bader. Unfortunately it was over a woman in a pub.---

[---]’s uncle was a pilot and when my time is finally up, I would like to depart like he did;--In his sleep;---
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.----

Tidiness and Untidiness.

I wouldn’t say she is untidy, but the only time she tidies up is when the phone rings; and she can’t find it.

I’m not saying the place was scruffy, but vandals broke in; and decorated it.

The house was so dirty; you had to wipe your feet on the doormat, ---before going out.

There was so much grease in the sink,---the cockroaches slid to their deaths.

She had about ten cats in the house. It put a different meaning on the expression; ‘Deep pile carpets.’

Her bedroom was the one featured in the Yellow Pages advert, where the student type says, “You should have seen what they have done with your bathroom.”---

Three separate window cleaners have reported to the Police, that our house has been burgled and a bedroom has been trashed.---

I wouldn’t say our living room was messy, but last year some vandals broke in and tidied it.---

I wouldn’t say our living room was messy, but the dog had a litter of puppies a week before we found them.

The only time we have ever had cross words, was when she said, “What’s on the TV?”—And I said, “Dust.”---

She is so house proud, she puts newspaper down under the cuckoo clock.—

She is so fanatical about being house proud, even the dust mites have got litter trays.—

If [---] gets up to use the toilet in the night, by the time he gets back to bed, [---] will have washed, ironed the sheets and made it again.---


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